Here's a photobucket account with pictures of dad. I passed out the username and password to others so if they wanted to upload pictures and share them they could.
Username: stancarmanphotos
Password: scarman01
Here they are :)
http://s1016.photobucket.com/home/stancarmanphotos/recentuploads
here's the Flickr account....the photobucket one shrinks them so I made another with the full size pics!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/honestheartsareundercover/sets/72157624421517515/
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
hard to wrap your head around
it's very weird seeing my dad's stuff still laying around the house. things like shoes, his electric shaver, cookbooks, his computer, his glasses. it feels like he just went on a vacation somewhere and will be coming back soon.
it's hard to think he won't come back.
i decided that i would really like to have his comic book t-shirts and turn them into a quilt. i don't know how going through people's stuff goes though....
i'm dealing with this way better than i thought i would...i don't break down and cry every time someone mentions my dad, i don't cry when i see his stuff, i'm not depressed. i'm sad, but not so down that i can't continue with life right now. i hope it doesn't hit me really hard later. i'm fine with random bits of crying here and there throughout the day right now. no major breakdowns.
i'm so lucky to have such a great family and such supportive friends. i love them all.
it's hard to think he won't come back.
i decided that i would really like to have his comic book t-shirts and turn them into a quilt. i don't know how going through people's stuff goes though....
i'm dealing with this way better than i thought i would...i don't break down and cry every time someone mentions my dad, i don't cry when i see his stuff, i'm not depressed. i'm sad, but not so down that i can't continue with life right now. i hope it doesn't hit me really hard later. i'm fine with random bits of crying here and there throughout the day right now. no major breakdowns.
i'm so lucky to have such a great family and such supportive friends. i love them all.
it's over
My dad passed away July 12 between 3am and 4am.
I miss him a lot. I am just so, so, so happy that he is not in pain anymore. It was unbearable. Now, when I get really upset, it's when I think about how he was hurting so much for the last bit of time. I'm so glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore.
It's weird with my family because even though we can laugh and still have a good time and be "happy," there is still a hovering feeling in the room.
Julie said this morning that Dad told her he would find a way to show her that he was still here. His "cancer journey" blog was called "Duck Off and Fly" and so she thought it was going to be something about ducks, and this morning's paper had ducks on the front page. :)
I see all sorts of things in my house, at my grandma's, at my mom's, around town, in my car, everywhere that remind me of him. Now, though, it just makes me smile because most things remind me of what a dork he was and how silly and happy he always was. His weird laugh. His comic book obsession thing he had, haha. I do miss him.
I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him how much I love him and I can't. I keep almost falling into regret for not saying I love you more, but then I just have to tell myself that he knew I loved him. There's nothing to regret.
It's very hard to not fall into self pity during all this and feel like you "forgot" something. Goodbye's are hard and I never really said "goodbye," and that's ok with me. It's just hard to not regret things from the past.
It's also really hard getting so many calls, messages, texts, etc of "i'm so sorry"'s...I know it's because people care, but I hope they understand if I'm not very responsive.
I love you forever, Daddy.
I miss him a lot. I am just so, so, so happy that he is not in pain anymore. It was unbearable. Now, when I get really upset, it's when I think about how he was hurting so much for the last bit of time. I'm so glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore.
It's weird with my family because even though we can laugh and still have a good time and be "happy," there is still a hovering feeling in the room.
Julie said this morning that Dad told her he would find a way to show her that he was still here. His "cancer journey" blog was called "Duck Off and Fly" and so she thought it was going to be something about ducks, and this morning's paper had ducks on the front page. :)
I see all sorts of things in my house, at my grandma's, at my mom's, around town, in my car, everywhere that remind me of him. Now, though, it just makes me smile because most things remind me of what a dork he was and how silly and happy he always was. His weird laugh. His comic book obsession thing he had, haha. I do miss him.
I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him how much I love him and I can't. I keep almost falling into regret for not saying I love you more, but then I just have to tell myself that he knew I loved him. There's nothing to regret.
It's very hard to not fall into self pity during all this and feel like you "forgot" something. Goodbye's are hard and I never really said "goodbye," and that's ok with me. It's just hard to not regret things from the past.
It's also really hard getting so many calls, messages, texts, etc of "i'm so sorry"'s...I know it's because people care, but I hope they understand if I'm not very responsive.
I love you forever, Daddy.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
getting worse
Dad is getting so much worse. He can't even talk now for the most part, as far as I'm aware. Aunt Angie, Grandma and Julie have been taking good care of him though. He pretty much just lays in bed now. I think he is in pain from just laying all the time. He gets the hiccups, I guess, which I don't understand...but I know it can't feel good when you're already sore. I wish he didn't have to hurt. I wish no one had to hurt.
I really just miss him. It's like it's not my dad in there because he's so unlike himself. I'm so used to him being dorky or listening to music or going for a drive just to get out of the house, or going and buying a new toy, or helping me fix something gone wrong on my computer. The other day I was trying to figure out how to fix my printer because it's hooked up wirelessly to my laptop and it wouldn't register and wouldn't print. I was so frustrated because my dad was right there and he couldn't help, of course, and I was so mad that I couldn't figure it out myself. It was one of the most irritating things ever and just made me realize how much I still need my dad.
He came out of the bedroom a few days ago to visit with Julie, Grandma and I. When he saw me he looked like a lightbulb popped up above his head and he smiled and it was nice. And then I was sitting on the couch and he put his finger up and did a "come here" motion so I went over and gave him a hug. I miss giving my dad hugs.
I'm not ready for him to go and I really don't know how to handle all of this. I feel like I'm floating around outside the situation almost. It doesn't feel like this is happening to me.
I just don't want him to hurt.
Life sucks.
I really just miss him. It's like it's not my dad in there because he's so unlike himself. I'm so used to him being dorky or listening to music or going for a drive just to get out of the house, or going and buying a new toy, or helping me fix something gone wrong on my computer. The other day I was trying to figure out how to fix my printer because it's hooked up wirelessly to my laptop and it wouldn't register and wouldn't print. I was so frustrated because my dad was right there and he couldn't help, of course, and I was so mad that I couldn't figure it out myself. It was one of the most irritating things ever and just made me realize how much I still need my dad.
He came out of the bedroom a few days ago to visit with Julie, Grandma and I. When he saw me he looked like a lightbulb popped up above his head and he smiled and it was nice. And then I was sitting on the couch and he put his finger up and did a "come here" motion so I went over and gave him a hug. I miss giving my dad hugs.
I'm not ready for him to go and I really don't know how to handle all of this. I feel like I'm floating around outside the situation almost. It doesn't feel like this is happening to me.
I just don't want him to hurt.
Life sucks.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
new trapt album yeSSSS!
Sept 14 :D
They are doing this thing where fans can be in the album artwork...
The album's title is "No Apologies" and you can send in a picture 0f you doing something that is "routine" and you shouldn't have to apologize for. It's kind of weird yet sooo cool and I'm so doing it. I can't think of anything to do though. I dunno.
Dad's getting sicker. It's hard to watch. I don't like it. I feel like I haven't seen him in days and then I realize I really haven't. When I do see him it's for a few seconds, mostly time to say "Hey Dad" or "I love you"...nothing to extensive. He's usually asleep in the bedroom now though. I miss him.
Had a good fourth of July and I had the 4th and the 5th off from work and school so it was a pretty good, relaxing 2 days off :). On the 4th I didn't do much 'til later in the day and then hung out til late and then went to bed and woke up and went straight to Sara's in Marysville with Tiffany and we all went to the river and got superrr sunburned. I'm still pretty red and sore. Oh well, I'll have lovely color :D
1 week left of accounting YESS.
Ok, til next time :)
They are doing this thing where fans can be in the album artwork...
The album's title is "No Apologies" and you can send in a picture 0f you doing something that is "routine" and you shouldn't have to apologize for. It's kind of weird yet sooo cool and I'm so doing it. I can't think of anything to do though. I dunno.
Dad's getting sicker. It's hard to watch. I don't like it. I feel like I haven't seen him in days and then I realize I really haven't. When I do see him it's for a few seconds, mostly time to say "Hey Dad" or "I love you"...nothing to extensive. He's usually asleep in the bedroom now though. I miss him.
Had a good fourth of July and I had the 4th and the 5th off from work and school so it was a pretty good, relaxing 2 days off :). On the 4th I didn't do much 'til later in the day and then hung out til late and then went to bed and woke up and went straight to Sara's in Marysville with Tiffany and we all went to the river and got superrr sunburned. I'm still pretty red and sore. Oh well, I'll have lovely color :D
1 week left of accounting YESS.
Ok, til next time :)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
FML
It's getting really hard at home to watch my dad. I feel like I try to ignore him, which I don't like at all. I kind of feel like I'm floating around in my own little world lately, especially since Eric and I broke up. I don't really talk to anyone about anything really, just mostly chit-chat stuff. I feel like I don't want to burden everyone with my problems, kind of.
Plus, I feel like I'm always too busy to hang out with people because I'm in summer school from 9am-12pm then I go to work at 1 or 2 til 5 or 6 so and then I have homework so I'm not really free during the weekdays, then when I am free to hang out everyone is busy. So then I'm sitting at home bored out of my mind struggling to hang out with one of my 5 friends. Its' getting irritating :(. I can't wait until summer school is over in 3 weeks so that I can have just work and that's it.
Things with Eric are kind of weird. I really miss him a lot. I wish things were easier. But they aren't....sooo oh well. What can you do? But this "it is what it is" attitude is starting to get to me I think. I have a feeling that when everything hits me, it's going to hit me really hard. I'm not looking forward to it. I need to stop ignoring everything around me and be more observant and more into it. I'm kind of just floating. I don't like it. I miss my friends and my family and I can't really explain what I'm feeling. When I am home, I usually just go into my room and shut my door and hang out until I leave again. No fun. I want to spend time with my dad but he's mostly just sleeping so I can hardly spend time with him. I mostly hang out when my grandparents or aunt are here visiting.
Good news is I'm doing fantastic in accounting class right now. I got an A on both tests so far, and we only have 3 (besides the final) so that's great! I actually am understanding the material this time and I think it's because of a lot of reasons. Like, the class is everyday so I don't really have time to forget anything; this is my only class so I don't have 4 other classes' worth of projects,homework and stress to worry about; I already took this class once and, even though I didn't understand anything the first time around, it's helping me because I already know the basics like vocabulary and the general ideas behind accounting; my teacher is amazing, and his first language is actually English so he doesn't have a weird accent that I have to try and learn from. He teaches in a really understandable way, which I love. I hope I get an A in the class! :)
After July 17 or 14 or something I'll finally have my summer vacation. :)
Next semester is going to be a doozy, though.
I'm in class on MWF from 11:00-3 and then on TTH from 11-3:15...which really is not that long but my classes are:
MGMT 300 - Communication in Business
MGMT 304 - Human Resource Management
MKTG 380 -Marketing Research
MKTG 477 - International Marketing
and then one more class that I'm not sure of because of technical issues with me taking the summer class at the community college instead of Chico State. Probably Finance. Yuck!!
Well. More later.
Plus, I feel like I'm always too busy to hang out with people because I'm in summer school from 9am-12pm then I go to work at 1 or 2 til 5 or 6 so and then I have homework so I'm not really free during the weekdays, then when I am free to hang out everyone is busy. So then I'm sitting at home bored out of my mind struggling to hang out with one of my 5 friends. Its' getting irritating :(. I can't wait until summer school is over in 3 weeks so that I can have just work and that's it.
Things with Eric are kind of weird. I really miss him a lot. I wish things were easier. But they aren't....sooo oh well. What can you do? But this "it is what it is" attitude is starting to get to me I think. I have a feeling that when everything hits me, it's going to hit me really hard. I'm not looking forward to it. I need to stop ignoring everything around me and be more observant and more into it. I'm kind of just floating. I don't like it. I miss my friends and my family and I can't really explain what I'm feeling. When I am home, I usually just go into my room and shut my door and hang out until I leave again. No fun. I want to spend time with my dad but he's mostly just sleeping so I can hardly spend time with him. I mostly hang out when my grandparents or aunt are here visiting.
Good news is I'm doing fantastic in accounting class right now. I got an A on both tests so far, and we only have 3 (besides the final) so that's great! I actually am understanding the material this time and I think it's because of a lot of reasons. Like, the class is everyday so I don't really have time to forget anything; this is my only class so I don't have 4 other classes' worth of projects,homework and stress to worry about; I already took this class once and, even though I didn't understand anything the first time around, it's helping me because I already know the basics like vocabulary and the general ideas behind accounting; my teacher is amazing, and his first language is actually English so he doesn't have a weird accent that I have to try and learn from. He teaches in a really understandable way, which I love. I hope I get an A in the class! :)
After July 17 or 14 or something I'll finally have my summer vacation. :)
Next semester is going to be a doozy, though.
I'm in class on MWF from 11:00-3 and then on TTH from 11-3:15...which really is not that long but my classes are:
MGMT 300 - Communication in Business
MGMT 304 - Human Resource Management
MKTG 380 -Marketing Research
MKTG 477 - International Marketing
and then one more class that I'm not sure of because of technical issues with me taking the summer class at the community college instead of Chico State. Probably Finance. Yuck!!
Well. More later.
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