I miss him a lot. I am just so, so, so happy that he is not in pain anymore. It was unbearable. Now, when I get really upset, it's when I think about how he was hurting so much for the last bit of time. I'm so glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore.
It's weird with my family because even though we can laugh and still have a good time and be "happy," there is still a hovering feeling in the room.
Julie said this morning that Dad told her he would find a way to show her that he was still here. His "cancer journey" blog was called "Duck Off and Fly" and so she thought it was going to be something about ducks, and this morning's paper had ducks on the front page. :)
I see all sorts of things in my house, at my grandma's, at my mom's, around town, in my car, everywhere that remind me of him. Now, though, it just makes me smile because most things remind me of what a dork he was and how silly and happy he always was. His weird laugh. His comic book obsession thing he had, haha. I do miss him.
I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him how much I love him and I can't. I keep almost falling into regret for not saying I love you more, but then I just have to tell myself that he knew I loved him. There's nothing to regret.
It's very hard to not fall into self pity during all this and feel like you "forgot" something. Goodbye's are hard and I never really said "goodbye," and that's ok with me. It's just hard to not regret things from the past.
It's also really hard getting so many calls, messages, texts, etc of "i'm so sorry"'s...I know it's because people care, but I hope they understand if I'm not very responsive.
I love you forever, Daddy.
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