Things are getting easier already...although they weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be to begin with. I don't think it has hit me all the way yet. Regardless, I'm doing fine. I'm back at work now and it's going normal, home is normal (as normal as it can be, I suppose), life's kind of just falling back into place, as it's supposed to.
I do miss Dad and I think about him 300 zillion times a day and everything reminds me of him but they are happy thoughts, which I'm so thankful for. This could have gone the other way and I could have got depressed and broke down every time I thought about him but instead I giggle or smile. It's nice.
I did my accounting final today. I think I did well on it..at least Ok. I bet I got a low B...I think. I really have no idea. The multiple choice questions were so iffy for me. Plus, my balance sheet on the work problems was over a grand off and I couldn't figure out what I did wrong, so I just went with it. Either way though, he told me even if I didn't take the final I still had a C in the class....which is fantastic for me! This means I'll never have to take accounting class ever again in my life. :) Now I just have to figure out how to show Chico State that I took it, passed it and then get the credits to transfer. I think also that I'm only going to take 4 classes this semester instead of dropping the accounting class I'm in for fall (to prove that I was going to be taking it, it's an undergrad req)and picking a new one. I'm already in class from 11-4 and if I want to have time for homework AND work...I probably shouldn't overload myself too much basically.
I saw Inception....twice. It's such a good movie! I loved it. One of the best I've seen in a really, really, really long time. It was a total mind twister and it was hard to keep up with, for me, in the beginning and the whole thing was a task to keep up with...which is why I saw it twice. :)
In other news, I'm drinking soda right now. *slap on wrist*
2 months exactly til I turn 21.
1 month til school starts again *puke*
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Photos of Dad
Here's a photobucket account with pictures of dad. I passed out the username and password to others so if they wanted to upload pictures and share them they could.
Username: stancarmanphotos
Password: scarman01
Here they are :)
http://s1016.photobucket.com/home/stancarmanphotos/recentuploads
here's the Flickr account....the photobucket one shrinks them so I made another with the full size pics!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/honestheartsareundercover/sets/72157624421517515/
Username: stancarmanphotos
Password: scarman01
Here they are :)
http://s1016.photobucket.com/home/stancarmanphotos/recentuploads
here's the Flickr account....the photobucket one shrinks them so I made another with the full size pics!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/honestheartsareundercover/sets/72157624421517515/
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
hard to wrap your head around
it's very weird seeing my dad's stuff still laying around the house. things like shoes, his electric shaver, cookbooks, his computer, his glasses. it feels like he just went on a vacation somewhere and will be coming back soon.
it's hard to think he won't come back.
i decided that i would really like to have his comic book t-shirts and turn them into a quilt. i don't know how going through people's stuff goes though....
i'm dealing with this way better than i thought i would...i don't break down and cry every time someone mentions my dad, i don't cry when i see his stuff, i'm not depressed. i'm sad, but not so down that i can't continue with life right now. i hope it doesn't hit me really hard later. i'm fine with random bits of crying here and there throughout the day right now. no major breakdowns.
i'm so lucky to have such a great family and such supportive friends. i love them all.
it's hard to think he won't come back.
i decided that i would really like to have his comic book t-shirts and turn them into a quilt. i don't know how going through people's stuff goes though....
i'm dealing with this way better than i thought i would...i don't break down and cry every time someone mentions my dad, i don't cry when i see his stuff, i'm not depressed. i'm sad, but not so down that i can't continue with life right now. i hope it doesn't hit me really hard later. i'm fine with random bits of crying here and there throughout the day right now. no major breakdowns.
i'm so lucky to have such a great family and such supportive friends. i love them all.
it's over
My dad passed away July 12 between 3am and 4am.
I miss him a lot. I am just so, so, so happy that he is not in pain anymore. It was unbearable. Now, when I get really upset, it's when I think about how he was hurting so much for the last bit of time. I'm so glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore.
It's weird with my family because even though we can laugh and still have a good time and be "happy," there is still a hovering feeling in the room.
Julie said this morning that Dad told her he would find a way to show her that he was still here. His "cancer journey" blog was called "Duck Off and Fly" and so she thought it was going to be something about ducks, and this morning's paper had ducks on the front page. :)
I see all sorts of things in my house, at my grandma's, at my mom's, around town, in my car, everywhere that remind me of him. Now, though, it just makes me smile because most things remind me of what a dork he was and how silly and happy he always was. His weird laugh. His comic book obsession thing he had, haha. I do miss him.
I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him how much I love him and I can't. I keep almost falling into regret for not saying I love you more, but then I just have to tell myself that he knew I loved him. There's nothing to regret.
It's very hard to not fall into self pity during all this and feel like you "forgot" something. Goodbye's are hard and I never really said "goodbye," and that's ok with me. It's just hard to not regret things from the past.
It's also really hard getting so many calls, messages, texts, etc of "i'm so sorry"'s...I know it's because people care, but I hope they understand if I'm not very responsive.
I love you forever, Daddy.
I miss him a lot. I am just so, so, so happy that he is not in pain anymore. It was unbearable. Now, when I get really upset, it's when I think about how he was hurting so much for the last bit of time. I'm so glad he doesn't have to hurt anymore.
It's weird with my family because even though we can laugh and still have a good time and be "happy," there is still a hovering feeling in the room.
Julie said this morning that Dad told her he would find a way to show her that he was still here. His "cancer journey" blog was called "Duck Off and Fly" and so she thought it was going to be something about ducks, and this morning's paper had ducks on the front page. :)
I see all sorts of things in my house, at my grandma's, at my mom's, around town, in my car, everywhere that remind me of him. Now, though, it just makes me smile because most things remind me of what a dork he was and how silly and happy he always was. His weird laugh. His comic book obsession thing he had, haha. I do miss him.
I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him how much I love him and I can't. I keep almost falling into regret for not saying I love you more, but then I just have to tell myself that he knew I loved him. There's nothing to regret.
It's very hard to not fall into self pity during all this and feel like you "forgot" something. Goodbye's are hard and I never really said "goodbye," and that's ok with me. It's just hard to not regret things from the past.
It's also really hard getting so many calls, messages, texts, etc of "i'm so sorry"'s...I know it's because people care, but I hope they understand if I'm not very responsive.
I love you forever, Daddy.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
getting worse
Dad is getting so much worse. He can't even talk now for the most part, as far as I'm aware. Aunt Angie, Grandma and Julie have been taking good care of him though. He pretty much just lays in bed now. I think he is in pain from just laying all the time. He gets the hiccups, I guess, which I don't understand...but I know it can't feel good when you're already sore. I wish he didn't have to hurt. I wish no one had to hurt.
I really just miss him. It's like it's not my dad in there because he's so unlike himself. I'm so used to him being dorky or listening to music or going for a drive just to get out of the house, or going and buying a new toy, or helping me fix something gone wrong on my computer. The other day I was trying to figure out how to fix my printer because it's hooked up wirelessly to my laptop and it wouldn't register and wouldn't print. I was so frustrated because my dad was right there and he couldn't help, of course, and I was so mad that I couldn't figure it out myself. It was one of the most irritating things ever and just made me realize how much I still need my dad.
He came out of the bedroom a few days ago to visit with Julie, Grandma and I. When he saw me he looked like a lightbulb popped up above his head and he smiled and it was nice. And then I was sitting on the couch and he put his finger up and did a "come here" motion so I went over and gave him a hug. I miss giving my dad hugs.
I'm not ready for him to go and I really don't know how to handle all of this. I feel like I'm floating around outside the situation almost. It doesn't feel like this is happening to me.
I just don't want him to hurt.
Life sucks.
I really just miss him. It's like it's not my dad in there because he's so unlike himself. I'm so used to him being dorky or listening to music or going for a drive just to get out of the house, or going and buying a new toy, or helping me fix something gone wrong on my computer. The other day I was trying to figure out how to fix my printer because it's hooked up wirelessly to my laptop and it wouldn't register and wouldn't print. I was so frustrated because my dad was right there and he couldn't help, of course, and I was so mad that I couldn't figure it out myself. It was one of the most irritating things ever and just made me realize how much I still need my dad.
He came out of the bedroom a few days ago to visit with Julie, Grandma and I. When he saw me he looked like a lightbulb popped up above his head and he smiled and it was nice. And then I was sitting on the couch and he put his finger up and did a "come here" motion so I went over and gave him a hug. I miss giving my dad hugs.
I'm not ready for him to go and I really don't know how to handle all of this. I feel like I'm floating around outside the situation almost. It doesn't feel like this is happening to me.
I just don't want him to hurt.
Life sucks.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
new trapt album yeSSSS!
Sept 14 :D
They are doing this thing where fans can be in the album artwork...
The album's title is "No Apologies" and you can send in a picture 0f you doing something that is "routine" and you shouldn't have to apologize for. It's kind of weird yet sooo cool and I'm so doing it. I can't think of anything to do though. I dunno.
Dad's getting sicker. It's hard to watch. I don't like it. I feel like I haven't seen him in days and then I realize I really haven't. When I do see him it's for a few seconds, mostly time to say "Hey Dad" or "I love you"...nothing to extensive. He's usually asleep in the bedroom now though. I miss him.
Had a good fourth of July and I had the 4th and the 5th off from work and school so it was a pretty good, relaxing 2 days off :). On the 4th I didn't do much 'til later in the day and then hung out til late and then went to bed and woke up and went straight to Sara's in Marysville with Tiffany and we all went to the river and got superrr sunburned. I'm still pretty red and sore. Oh well, I'll have lovely color :D
1 week left of accounting YESS.
Ok, til next time :)
They are doing this thing where fans can be in the album artwork...
The album's title is "No Apologies" and you can send in a picture 0f you doing something that is "routine" and you shouldn't have to apologize for. It's kind of weird yet sooo cool and I'm so doing it. I can't think of anything to do though. I dunno.
Dad's getting sicker. It's hard to watch. I don't like it. I feel like I haven't seen him in days and then I realize I really haven't. When I do see him it's for a few seconds, mostly time to say "Hey Dad" or "I love you"...nothing to extensive. He's usually asleep in the bedroom now though. I miss him.
Had a good fourth of July and I had the 4th and the 5th off from work and school so it was a pretty good, relaxing 2 days off :). On the 4th I didn't do much 'til later in the day and then hung out til late and then went to bed and woke up and went straight to Sara's in Marysville with Tiffany and we all went to the river and got superrr sunburned. I'm still pretty red and sore. Oh well, I'll have lovely color :D
1 week left of accounting YESS.
Ok, til next time :)
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